Walk Against Rape

(This is me!)

Overall, the Walk Against Rape was very... revealing, I would say. There were a lot of emotions throughout the 3.5 mile walk that started in the Women's Building, at 18th and Guerrero, up 18th, then on Castro, down Market, down 16th and all the way to 25th and Potrero, at La Raza Park. 

At times, I felt like crying. Other times I felt really empowered. I felt supported. I felt hostility. I felt a unease.

I am a runner and have ran many races that benefit diseases. I realize how different advocating for such a cause really is. Then I also realized that rape culture can also be a disease. 

The whole time I was walking, I felt myself almost going through phases. Sometimes I would drift away only to be brought back to the reality of the march, of the blazing sun, of chanting, by cars driving by honking in support. Then I would remember to smile. To scream. To whoop loudly and bang my sign up in the air. To scream YEAAHH!!!!!! as passerby's smiled on, snapping pictures, as I saw people faces peeking out from their apartment windows, as people on the street would just stare on, as police-men riding their motorcycles and bikes regulated us, as tourists passed by on foot or on tour and thought "San Francisco". 

The whole time I was walking I thought about aspects of my personal life and moments when I have felt rejected, assaulted, or violated for the reason that I am a woman. I thought about my Mexican heritage and how I was raised and still live in a highly machismo-dominated culture. I thought about all the gender norms within my family, and the gender norms to which I been conforming to my entire life. I thought about the times I, too, have victim-blamed. Of the times I've discriminated. I thought about all the times I've used the word slut, whore, or hoe to refer to someone. Of the times I've been to college parties and seen girls passed out on the ground, some half-naked, and I just looked at them in disgust. I thought about the rape accusations against some boys on the soccer team at USF last year and how I had been called to share information with someone in the dean's office; even then I had thought, "some girls ask for it; they ask for it. They should know their limits." My goodness. How fucked up was I. 

Nobody deserves to get raped. It is NOT the woman's fault.

I don't know how many people in the walk had been victims themselves. But it didn't matter. We were one. We weren't going to be defeated. Nobody was going to tell us that we couldn't march. Not the police, not the government, not rapists, not anyone. I scream-responded with the women from Mujeres Unidas y Activas in Spanish as they chanted: "Si signifier si! No significa no!" and "violadores al carajo!" among many others.    

When I saw the sign "what causes rape", I thought about all the times I have been protected and told not to go out at night, to be careful about leaving babysitting gigs here in SF too late and taking a cab home because I can get raped, to not drink too much because I can get taken advantage of......... The list is endless. And it's so wrong. And I know I'm not alone.

One thing that really made me ponder and ... scared me... is something we've already discussed in class.  The whole time I was walking I couldn't stop judging all the men, and especially the police officers that were there. In this class especially, we have discussed a lot about militarization (obviously) and in the term paper that I am writing for this class, I focus on uncovering a lot of crimes perpetrated by legal officers and law enforcement. Some girls have mentioned nightmares as a result of all the information we read about, the crimes, the realities. I know I can't look at every man as a potential rapist. And I was trying to refrain from doing so. But it was hard. I saw them and saw patriarchy. I saw machismo. I wondered what they thought about my sign. I wondered if they felt attacked. I know rape is also committed by women. And that not all men are rapists. Nor abusive. But it's so hard for me look at them the same. It's really hard to continue having a relationship without closing myself off as a result of everything I am learning. Every time I get in an argument with my boyfriend or my dad now, patriarchy is everywhere, and so are my rights as a woman. It's so hard for me to identify the line between what is okay, what is normal, what isn't. 

How can I?

I know I'm never going to be "normal" again. Feminist blinkers are on. Everyday. All the time. It's scary when you slowly start to realize how blinded you were. When you are about to make a judgement on something and then stop yourself and think, "wait, that's not what I've learned." It certainly causes a lot of disruption in one's life. But I certainly have never felt so content, gratified, and hopeful (although extremely confused) about myself as a woman, my body, my rights, my voice, and the power I hold as a woman.